Quotations Headquarters

One-liners?

Best funny one line you've seen? I got a couple from a friend: "I see," said the blind man to his deaf wife." -and- "Friendly fire - isn't." (From CoD4, dunno where it's from originally).

Public Comments

1. "I bought a box of instant water and didn't know what to add" "I accidently spilled spot remover on my dog....now he is gone" -Steven Wright
2. A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: “I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?” Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures. There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, “I can clearly see you’re nuts.” I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. At a hearing aid center: “Let us give you some sound advice.” A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”. Old cashiers never die, they just check out. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.